Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

the dark

i look in the mirror
and the person i see
is someone who used to be me.
that person was strong and healthy, rarely ill,
and her energy was endless;
she never sat still.

then one day she disappeared behind my face,
and a stranger took her place.
im living in a body i no longer know,
and a pain from within me has begun to grow.

at night, when others sleep, i lie awake,
feeling my body tremble and shake.
my limbs feel stiff and my muscles ache.
i feel like a rag doll about to break.

what’s wrong with me
asks a voice from within.
and whose body is this, under my skin?
surely this isn’t going to be the new me?
then a higher voice whispers, just accept it…it’s meant to be.

i searched for answers…
a diagnosis I needed
a condition was confirmed;
i wasn’t losing my mind.

i have to keep going;
this isn’t the end.
just a rough, rocky road with a very big bend.
i know god will help me;
he never lets me down.
with his hand in mine
there’s no need to frown.
i hope.

drained

ive always been someone who hated relying on ppl and have always strived to be better than others.
ive always thought then being independent was better than asking for help
and asking for help meant that you were weak
i hate when people see me with sympathetic eyes, i absolutely hate it.
i hate that i cannot do the things i love, and especially things that im good at doing why do you i have to give them up
ive always smiled to people and put up a front so that everyone would think im a positive person.
i have always thought that telling people how you really feel will make you vulnerable and i absolutely don’t want to appear vulnerable to anyone.
i really hate myself i feel so useless and helpless
i havent been someone who relied on anyone, even my family before and now i can’t live without them. it took me sometime to realize that this cancer has made me depressed, tearful and fearful.
i have nobody to talk to
im all alone
pls god
help me

you’ve let go

i met you in the dark
you lit me up
you made me feel as though
i was enough
we danced the night away
we drank too much
i held your hair back when
you were throwing up

then you smiled over your shoulder
for a minute i was stone-cold sober
i pulled you closer to my chest
and you asked me to stay over
i said, i already told you
i think that you should get some rest

i knew i loved you then
but you’d never know
‘cause I played it cool when i was scared of letting go
i knew i needed you
but i never showed
but i wanna stay with you
until we’re grey and old
just say you won’t let go

that moment when you realise you’re living for others, not for yourself

Only once your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley

i think i like you

i feel happy around you
even when you don’t say anything
i enjoy your company and being around you
i feel safe when im around you
seeing you is enough
i feel lost if i cant talk to you or see you
i like how my hand feels in urs,
i love how we talk about anything and everything under the sun.
i appreciate all the heart to heart talks we’ve had
i love how u assure me that you’ll always be there for me
i like how u always guide me and help me.
i like how u spend ur time on me to help me with my work.
i love how u remember the things i don’t even remember saying.
i love how u notice things about me i don’t even take notice of.
if all these means that i like you then maybe i do.
but i can’t
thats why i am going to push you away
and hurting you
so that ill stop leading you on
but trust me it hurts me too
i dont want to burden you
i dont want people to have a bad impression on you
i dont want you to be distracted from your priorities and god
i dont want you to lie and dishonour your parents bc i hate dishonesty
i dread the day you lose feelings for me and leave me in a ditch
so i have to stop
and shut my heart once again
its uncomfortable to see you talking to other girls but what can i do
i cant say that i like you bc i do not wish to make myself vulnerable
you’ll probably never see this but i hope you will stay happy